A little navel-gazing

Sometimes when I sit down to write my blog, I have a definite plan, a point of view, a specific topic to lay out there for the World. Other times, like today, especially like today, when I haven't had the time or the strength or the whatever to focus and put out something concrete and coherent for more than a month, I sit down at the computer and think to myself, you better just write something or you'll never get the groove back. So here I am --goovin'.

Since last I wrote, I took my competition team to, what else?, competition--the first of two long weekends away with kids and choreographer. I also voted for Obama, caucused for him and finally got myself elected a delegate to the Williamson County Democratic Convention to be held on March 29th. I have contemplated going to some other Democratic events before that, but haven't. I'm tired. I've been on Spring Break for a week now. I have exercised every day and as my body begins to feel again, I have been able to think again--not the frantic, manic, survival think that is my life when I am at school, but the flowers on the trees are beautiful and I'd like a new eyeshadow and which clothes will I give to Goodwill this spring and is my body tired, should I sleep kind of think. Oh, there you are--you still exist kind of think.

Some people find it possible to save the World and still take care of themselves. I start out like that, but then I get lost. In some ways it pays off for me. My folklorico kids gave me my first ever surprise party for my birthday--I turned 36th on March 5th. So at least, I am appreciated. It felt good to be appreciated, but part of me wanted to get out of there. Part of me wanted to disappear. Part of me wanted to just take a nap.

Even as I write this, I am beginning to feel guilty and anxious. There is so much work to be done to make the folklorico what it could be. To make the ESOL program what it should be. To get Obama elected. To save the environment. Do I really think I am going to work out every day? I want to.

Part of the problem is that despite all the rhetoric, nobody wants to really pay for public schools and even when a fair amount is paid it gets eaten up by administration and studies and what you really need is a well-educated, motivated adult for every few kids to give them both the relationship and the push they need to succeed--and it just isn't going to happen. So we have "Community Seminar"--glorified, over-programed advisories to try to meet the needs of every kid, while piling more work on the already over-worked teacher. The teachers and administrators who come up with this stuff are all well-meaning and dedicated, but rarely are they the coaches and sponsors of time-consuming programs, because we have practices and rehearsals during the meeting times. But we are the ones who do what they want done every day--already. Now they give us another group of kids to do it for. I might get pushed over the edge. I try to filter out all the "be more dedicated, gung-ho" stuff, but they make us attend all these "trainings"--no wonder I just want to go to sleep. I just feel more and more that I can't do the job the way I should. I can't run my program, prepare great lessons, mentor 18 kids, who aren't even in my regular classes, be a good wife, cook delicious dinners, work-out, be politically active, recycle, reuse and reduce, meditate, attend mass (don't tell the Pope, because I haven't been since Christmas), appreciate nature, drive dancers home after rehearsal, invest wisely, get my roots done (7:30 am Saturday hair appointment???!!!-yes), maintain friendships, grade chapter tests, prep kids for standardized tests, do laundry and iron, make the bed (sometimes), publish thoughtful blogs, read good literature and stay abreast of the news, while in a good mood and maintaining my once youthful figure (must work out. must work out.) No pressure.

Meanwhile, I hope and pray that Obama can clinch this thing. I am glad that Venezuela and Ecuador didn't go to war with Colombia and that Chavez looks to be running out of steam. I am thankful that while my investment portfolio is losing money--at least I am doing better than Bear Stearns.