Choosing Me.

Choosing me. It is so hard for me to choose me. I know that if I want to accomplish certain things in life I am going to have to put myself first sometimes, but it is hard. I am a teacher, after all. I used to be in international banking, but it wasn't gratifying enough--it paid better, but it wasn't gratifying enough.

I was going insane in a completely disfunctional school district and left teaching for a while. Tried sales, because everyone said how if I could sell rural kids from the middle of nowhere into working concession stands to go to Spain or get a bunch of minority kids to join the tennis team, I could sell anything. But I couldn't sell things that I didn't think were benefitting the other person more than me. I couldn't sell things to make a buck for me. I tried to get excited. I tried to imagine down the line how many people I could help with money and opportunity, eventually, but at the point of sale itself, it felt, well, kind of greedy.

Well, now I have decided to stop sponsoring the ballet folklorico program at the high school where I teach. I sponsored it originally because no one else wanted it and I wanted to help the kids. And I did, but I have to hire a choreographer, because I can't really teach all the regions of a dance I had never seen before I started the gig and it involves huge amounts of time and only a few of the kids care and I have so many talents and I could do so much if I could free up some time.... And even though I know I have a lot to give in other areas, the thought of hurting or disappointing just one kid is really tough. It isn't like I am leaving the school, which would meab I 'd have to leave the group. I will be around, just not working the program for them.

But I know I have to do it. The folklorico really drains me. I want to start an online magazine to get people 15-25, especially girls, hooked into foreign affairs. I need time to do it. I need emotional energy left over at the end of the day. Just teaching all day without a dance group at the end can take a lot out of you, especially when the chapter tests and planning come home with you over the weekend.

But it is hard and while I feel relief for having made the choice, I feel a pang in the pit of my stomach, as well. But I know I really do have talents and interests that I can use to touch many, many people. It is just hard. I have to believe that choosing me will somehow be choosing them, too.